Don’t Bother With the Games. Our 2017 Sports Guide Knows All.

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It’s easy enough to review the past year in sports. Many have done so. The real challenge lies in predicting the coming year, 2017. That’s where we can help. Nightly visions appear to us in the form of bold, 72-point type headlines. (The printed page will never die, another prescient forecast.) We then jot down these communications, relay them and ruin the start of the new year. You may find these are not happy prophecies, but please don’t disparage the messenger.

Here’s what we guarantee will happen in 2017, unless something else happens instead:

January

Team that wins national college football championship is placed on N.C.A.A. probation during poignant, postgame ceremony.

Roger Federer is still poetry in motion at Australian Open. Problem is, his poems fade in the fifth stanza.

Roger Clemens fails to get votes necessary for Baseball Hall of Fame, hurls bat shard at Mike Piazza’s plaque in Cooperstown.

At inauguration, Donald J. Trump promises to make Cleveland Browns great again. This time, even backers say he has gone too far.

Women’s national soccer team finally agrees to new collective bargaining agreement when U.S. Soccer promises to pay women the same bonus money for winning matches that men receive for losing.

February

Patriots capture Super Bowl, deflating Cowboys. Championship rings ordered in shape of Bill Belichick’s giant brain.

Six hours of tickle therapy fails to produce a single smile from José Mourinho, dour soccer coach of Manchester United.

Tony Romo begins off-season training regimen, patiently plays second fiddle for the New York Philharmonic.

George Karl writes new book, bashing LeBron James, pistachio ice cream and Israeli settlements in the West Bank.

Rex Ryan is hired as defensive coordinator of the Jets because we just can’t get enough of the guy.

Joey Logano stops for gas, finishes exactly where he started after more than three hours, yet somehow wins Daytona 500.

March

The Wilpons ask Yoenis Cespedes for a loan, just for a few months, to cover costs of repaving Citi Field parking lot.

Mavs are 18-50. Turns out Mark Cuban isn’t such a genius, after all.

Because of sagging attendance in Florida, baseball’s commissioner, Rob Manfred, announces that Grapefruit League game between Yankees and Phillies will determine home-field advantage in World Series. Unless game ends in tie.

International Olympic Committee gets tough, bars all Russian male golfers from participating in next Olympics.

N.C.A.A. can’t think of 68 teams worth inviting to men’s basketball tournament, so it places Villanova in three brackets.

April

Baseball season opens. Cubs win first 10 games and are suddenly not so lovable anymore.

Louisville captures N.C.A.A. men’s basketball championship, placed on probation in emotional ceremony while cutting down net.

Geno Auriemma furious that UConn women won third quarter of N.C.A.A. basketball final by only 5 points.

Tiger Woods misses cut at Masters, but says it’s a process.

Failing to recognize paradox, Mets Manager Terry Collins orders players not to reach second base because team’s average with runners in scoring position last year was worst in league.

May

Practical Joke wins Kentucky Derby. Just kidding.

New York Rangers are eliminated from playoffs again. Madison Square Garden retires Joey Kocur’s jersey from 1994 to make everyone forget how 76 of the last 77 seasons ended.

Yankees hold Derek Jeter Day to make everyone forget they’re already eight games behind Boston.

French Open announces new schedule of matches that will not interfere with le déjeuner or le dîner. Also, two-week vacation between quarterfinal and semifinal rounds.

Phil Jackson walks away from Knicks job after Madison Square Garden fails to build him an unmodified, triangular corner office.

June

Barcelona loses Champions League title game in Cardiff when Lionel Messi’s penalty kick in shootout sails into Bristol Channel.

Columbus captures Stanley Cup. John Tortorella sprays Champagne in eyes of every idiot reporter.

Warriors lose to Cavs in N.B.A. finals, begin recruiting Blake Griffin and Chris Paul.

Woods misses cut at United States Open, says it’s still a process.

Yankees hand out Reggie Jackson bobblehead dolls, fall 12 games behind Boston.

Celtics use Nets’ No. 1 pick to draft Lonzo Ball, who is compared to Jason Kidd, who also escaped Brooklyn.

July

Serena Williams wins Wimbledon title, loses count of exactly how many that is. Sadly, Bud Collins is no longer around to tell her.

N.F.L. bans all touchdowns through the air or on punt returns because they are considered a form of taunting. Sideline grins may not exceed an upturn of more than 0.3 centimeters.

Woods misses cut at British Open, eats processed cheese.

Chris Froome packs picnic basket for Tour de France stage, loses valuable time in mountains.

August

Provocative ad for meldonium, featuring Maria Sharapova, stops traffic around Times Square.

Woods misses cut at P.G.A. Championship, breaks process over knee, throws process into water hazard.

After two-year study, crack mathematics panel at M.I.T. fails to decode N.H.L. or FedEx Cup standings.

Bartolo Colon, playing first base for Braves, knocks 20th homer of season.

September

N.F.L. installs replay policy that mandates official review of every gain of more than 2 yards. Games begin at 11 a.m. to accommodate five-hour length.

Novak Djokovic, one point from title, retires during final to cede United States Open championship to Rafael Nadal. “I just want to be loved,” Djokovic says. Fans still don’t cheer.

Unable to reach a decision, I.O.C. tells Budapest, Los Angeles and Paris to share the 2024 Summer Games. This should not be a problem, committee believes, because all three cities feature airports.

Organizers begin dismantling roof over Ashe Stadium after another year without rain. Should be a little cheaper to take it down than it was to build it.

October

Tom Brady, now 40, figures it’s about time to tell Belichick exactly what he really thinks of him. Surprisingly, Belichick does not take this well.

Mets finish season with 12 men on disabled list, including Mr. Met.

United States national men’s soccer team wins, 1-0, on dramatic goal in Trinidad and qualifies for World Cup on final day. Team has made tremendous progress since 1989, when it did exactly the same thing.

Cubs sweep Boston in World Series. Cub fans are really becoming obnoxious. Please, anybody but the Cubs in 2018.

November

Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers get into a minor car accident outside stadium, only to discover neither one actually has insurance.

New York City Marathon becomes triathlon after Willis Avenue Bridge swings open before lead pack arrives.

N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell rebrands concussions as “cerebrum razzle-dazzles.” Carrie Underwood drops new song with that title.

I.O.C. still getting tough: Russian male golfers allowed back into Olympics, but on probation.

Rutgers football team falls to 0-9 in conference play, relegated to Little Ten.

November listed by Betfair as early favorite to win Most Boring Sports Month of Year Award at 2017 ESPYs.

December

Condoleezza Rice, forgetting current role, threatens to send troops into Wisconsin unless Barry Alvarez changes his rankings on college football selection day.

Brian Cashman burns fingers in Hot Stove League, signs nobody of note.

Kristaps Porzingis finally realizes he is too good to be a Knick and asks the team president Spike Lee for a trade.

Patriots clinch A.F.C. East title despite inexplicable benching of Brady since October.

Belichick’s giant brain figures out N.H.L. and FedEx Cup standings, but won’t make findings public.

These predictions for 2017 are found to be extraordinarily accurate. Great clamor for more.

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