Kim Kardashian And Kanye West’s Marriage Is Totally Fine, You Guys

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“Kanye, can you point out your wife?”
“Titty moo?”
“Close enough.”

If there’s a more anticipated celebrity marriage meltdown than Kim and Kanye, I don’t know what it is, so of course we’re now looking at a new story — one day after Kim temporarily removed the “West” from her social media accounts — that wants us to believe Kim and Kanye are treating each other like business associates just riding out a contract. Wait, that actually checks out. Via People:

Since his recent hospitalization for exhaustion, things have been awkward and odd for the couple, a source close to West tells PEOPLE. “Kanye and Kim are still in that very polite stage after a blowup,” the source says. “They’re getting along better, but it’s still a difficult time.”

We know why it’s been tough for Kim, I mean Jesus Christ, she had to feed her own children for almost a whole week. And since Kanye’s “exhaustion” was just a horseshit scheme to cash in an insurance policy, what’s his deal?

“Kanye still doesn’t have closure about his mother, and I don’t know that he ever will. [Her death] was unexpected, and he had no time to prepare for it. When the anniversary comes along, it’s like the wound is reopened. Some years, he does okay in managing it. Other years, not as much. This was a year where things went off the rails.”

Holy shit, they trotted out the dead mom. Actually, I’m kind of amazed it took this long.

Kim and Kanye’s Wedding Day – Prep Stall

“Now Kimberly, I want you to be clear on the agreement. He gets to touch one titty before breakfast and both titties before a taping.”
“Ugh, when do we start talking about his dead mom in the press and make him look crazy?”
“Article five, section three, did you not read this?!”
*rolls eyes, pushes salad around with fork*
“I’m serious, Kim, you need to underst– KHLOE STOP KICKING YOUR HOOVES ARE RIPPING YOUR DRESS!”

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