Tom Hiddleston Is Kind Of A Smarmy Douche

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“You’re daydreaming about a dry handjob aboard a Nantucket schooner again, aren’t you, Tom?”
“No! I was basking in this wonderful mome- yes, damnit! Those cold eyes… I yearn for them!”

Whether Tom Hiddleston truly is the blue blood British prince Taylor Swift is destined to boringly fornicate with remains to be seen. We have yet to see his reaction to the album full of songs about how he wasn’t careful with her feelings or didn’t think anyone would care if he started telling people he heard Katy Perry was a lesbian. But we do know that when Tom Hiddleston accepts a Golden Globe award, he has no problem sucking two minutes out of the lives of Hollywood’s biggest stars with a self-congratulatory anecdote so smug it includes the French pronunciation of Doctors Without Borders.

Jezebel has a great set of reaction screenshots which you can see here, and Huffington Post has the Christian Slater reaction GIF that pretty much says it all. But somewhere out there is closed-circuit security footage of Taylor Swift reacting to this in her living room, and until Russian hackers leak it, you’ll have to suffice with this description of what I fully believe that to be.

Taylor is seen knitting an outfit for one of her 17 cats which surround her on the couch. As Tom’s name is announced, she slowly arches one eyebrow and lowers a needle to a cat’s throat. She intently watches the whole speech, relaxes, then sets the needles aside and presses pause on the DVR. She gets up walks out of frame. She returns with a small lace doily, removes her pants, places the doily on the couch, and retakes her seat. She rewinds the DVR to the beginning of the speech. When Tom says “Médecins Sans Frontières,” Taylor’s right eye twitches and her cheeks flush ever so slightly. She turns off the TV, stands up and raises one hand as if conducting an orchestra. The cats fixate on the hand. She quickly lowers the hand and the cats pounce on the doily, tearing it to pieces. She exits the room.

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